In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present another installment of Chad Vice‘s advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.”
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Dear Chad, I just got a generous bonus of several thousand dollars at my job, and after donating some to charity, and putting some more in my savings account, I’m ready to treat myself to a present or two. What should I buy?
Karen A in Milwaukee, WI
Karen,
Peace of mind. First of all. Whatever that is. Feel free to think about it. A message? A meal at a great restaurant with your iguana? A surgical procedure?
Two: something you have always wanted but felt too silly to buy. A salami farm. A cold pack. An understanding of why we feel fear.
Chad
Dear Chad, Know where I can get some good weed in this town?
Francisco J in Jackson Heights, NY
In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present another installment of Chad Vice‘s advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.”
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Dear Chad,
I am constantly misplacing things. My book, my iPhone, my iPad, my keys. Any advice on how I can put an end to all this misplacement? Also, have you seen my glasses?
Pam B in Harwich, MA
Hola Pam,
Your glasses are on your head.
Why not have a designated place for each of these items? You can make it a point that whenever these items are not in use, you always put them in their place. A place for everything and everything in its place as they say. Perhaps, once you have these things sorted in their places and the habit is established, you will find other things you usually misplace. Like emotions, or blame.
Always yours,
Chad
Dear Chad,
I need a New Years resolution. What should it be?
Dennis from Dennis, MA
Hi Dennis.
Learn a new language. They have great apps for it. And I do not mean appetizers. Although learning a new language could teach you how to order new and foreign apps. This time I do mean the first course at a meal.
I think learning a language is a great way to broaden our understanding and the world and ourselves, and also how to figure out what that lady is screaming about in the corner of this Starbucks.
Au revoir,
Chad
Chad!
I was bitten by a snake! Help!
Maryanne from the prairie
Maryanne!
Hang up this email and get yourself to a hospital!
My thoughts are with you!
Chad
PS wait, was this a venomous snake? Either way, consult a medical professional. Just do it a lot faster if the snake was venomous.
In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present this month’s Halloweenish installment of Chad Vice‘s advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.”
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Dear Chad,
I read bedtime stories to my 4-year-old son every night, and it’s one of our favorite things to do together. I want to start reading him some of the Brothers Grimm’s fairy tales, which can get quite dark, but my husband strongly objects, on the basis that with all the real-life horrors in the world, children should not be further traumatized by late-night images of bloodthirsty wolves, child-hungry witches, and the like. I believe that confronting fictional horrors early would better prepare a child his age to face the terrible, shitty awfulness of real life. What do you think?
Gary Q in Athens, GA
Gary,
I wish you were from Indiana.
Regardless!
You can’t hide a kid from darkness. They go to sleep in it. If you are a child of the early 80’s or 90’s, you have been exposed to “fairy tales”. Even going back to the 50’s for those brothers.
I think anything that teaches a child to see and feel beyond what they see and know is good, even if it is dark.
Without the dark, how would we know to sleep? And sleeping is great. It gives us an even greater chance to dream.
Once upon a time,
Chad
Dear Chad,
I am 25 years old, 98% Caucasian, and gender-fluid, equally comfortable presenting masculine as feminine (or somewhere between). I’ve been invited to 3 separate Halloween parties this year, and I want to wear a different costume to each party. I have a decent amount of disposable income & time to spend on constructing / acquiring these costumes, but am having trouble thinking of what they should be. What are some cool costumes I could wear that won’t resort to disrespectful cultural appropriation, and would be cleverly topical without being obvious & trite?
Alyx A in Minneapolis, MN
Hey Alyx,
Right off that bat? Toaster. I don’t know the design or how you would construct it, but go as a toaster. If it were me, I would go as a toaster and then spend the whole party cornering people and telling them (with deathly seriousness) that I was a toaster.
1. (I decided to make this a list after the fact)
Put on anything you have always wanted to and never dared to and go show the public. Wear a disco ball on your head, oversized sunglasses, a kilt, a belly shirt that says “tequila mockingbird”, and tape your BFA to you back. Or you know, whatever that is for you. If someone asks you what you are, you say: “I am beautiful!” And try not to burn them to death, because really (like really really) you are a Phoenix.
A witch because always.
Carrie.
(I skipped some) the devil (with a buttplug in); he’s filthy.
Helena Bonham Carter’s character in Oceans’ 8.
9. Your dad.
What will I be on Halloween, you ask? Honest.
In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present the second installment of our new contributor Chad Vice‘s monthly advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.”
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Dear Chad Vice, How do you deal with success? I feel like if I want to succeed in any significant way, I have to make sacrifices elsewhere. Sacrifices that, over time, seem to take away from my initial (financial) experience of success. I don’t see my family or friends as much. I’m saving for the future, but I suffer from fomo. Yours, Mick A. Rust
Hi Icarus
Success is a slippery word. It could mean making it rain in this day and age, it could mean slaughtering infidels like pigs during the crusades.
What makes you feel good? Flying high, on your own, sure. But also family. If you feel like you have leaned into one more than the other, valence it out.
But remember, nothing is eternal. Even, Chad
Dear Chad, I was born with certain superhuman abilities, kind of like the Precogs in “Minority Report,” but instead of having psychic visions of crimes that will occur in the future, I am able to predict, with my sense of smell, who in my vicinity is about to pass gas. Usually I don’t identify the flatulent culprits publicly– but should I? Do my powers carry any ethical responsibilities? Percy R in Phoenix, AZ
Dear percy(us)
That is a complicated gift. Don’t let it make you feel isolated.
I think you have to learn to trust yourself. You have this gift for a reason.
If sweet Sharon from accounting is about to break wind, maybe give her a break? She’s so sweet. She bakes cookies!
But if you know big Don is about to cheese spray all over the white walls and you know he won’t feel remorse for it, you finger him like a confident witness in a murder trial.
Chad.
Dear Chad,
In 2011, I got a tattoo on the side of my neck of Louis CK’s face, and for nearly a year now I’ve been covering it up with silk scarves and/or feather boas. Will my tattoo ever be cool again, or should I just go ahead and get it removed? Or maybe altered to look more like a less controversial celebrity, such as “Throw Momma from the Train” star Anne Ramsey?
Aleesha Y in Miami, FL
Dearest Aleesha,
You cannot go wrong with Anne Ramsey. Just watch the classic horror film deadly friend. She is always an ace.
That said, it’s sad but, Louis’s biggest joke is on himself. You can’t stand up on film and speak insightfully of (among other things) the danger men pose to women and then get away with sexual misconduct. It cheapens all your future “insights”.
I don’t know what you have to do, maybe ask a woman who inexplicably stopped getting work in Hollywood, despite not abusing anyone.
Fuck,
Chad.
Dear Chad, Like many Americans today, I’ve been experiencing a great deal of conflict with certain family members because of our country’s current political climate. Over the past few years, for instance, my daddy has turned from a fiscal conservative with moderately liberal social values, into what you might call an amoral neo-fascist. To make matters worse, he was recently elected into a very high-ranking government position. At times I’ve tried to reason with him and temper his alarming behavior, but he always responds by saying things like, “You’re a lot less pretty when you criticize me, and it makes me not love you anymore.” While I’ve been able to channel my frustrations in a few productive ways, such as publishing anonymous op-eds about him in the New York Times, I still feel like I’m flying full-speed ahead toward a psychotic breakdown if I can’t resolve all this inner turmoil. Help me, Chad! How can I properly atone for being such a bad girl, while ensuring that my daddy will never ever stop loving me? Ivanka T in Washington, DC
Wow.
Vankie. That’s a lot.
I’ve been waiting for your email. Do you remember that night we watched Showgirls, ate cheese fries, and finger banged each other? #magicjohnson
Where you are has worried me. Emotionally. Politically. Geographically. You are being honest.
Like when you beat me,
One on one.
But also:
I mean, with yourself boo.
That was a great basketball game. We both dunked! 😉
There is something wrong with your sense of security.
Dear Chad,
Breakfast isn’t just the most important meal of my day, it’s the most important PART of my LIFE. Problem is, I’m so bored with all the classic cereals. Raisin Bran? More like Raisin BLAND! Cheerios? More like Cheeri-NOs! Count Chocula? More like LAME Chocula! You catch my drift, right? So what are some exciting new under-the-radar, not-your-grandma’s breakfast cereals I should be eating?
Trayvis D in Portland, OR
Trayvis,
When was the last time you watched the sunrise? And I mean not in the: “I am gonna write a song on my guitar and watch the sun rise to get pussy” kind of watch the sunrise from college?
1) Fast for a day.
2) Go to every religious event you can in that time
3) Break fast in the morning
4) Record your FEELINGS!
5) eat a bagel
{ X }
CHAD VICE first identified with Play-Doh. He is a nut in a nutcrackers world. He prefers bold musical choices and sitting all the way through movies’ credits. He is here to hear you. He has studied under Merlin and your Mom.
Do you need some advice from Chad Vice? Email your questions & quandaries to FLAPPERHOUSE at gmail dot com, then pray to Athena and blow a kiss to the cosmos…
In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present the debut of our new contributor Chad Vice and his monthly advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.”
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Dear Chad,
I am 27 years old and terrible at making friends. I just get so anxious trying to talk with people, I struggle to put together more than a few words of boring small talk in any conversation. You seem like an interesting and sociable person. What can I do?
Gene F in Burlington, VT
Hi Gene!
Do you bathe? My greeting reminded me of how important good smells are in socializing.
The best thing I can say to you is: be honest.
Honesty is like a compass; it will point you in the right direction.
If someone says to you
“What do you think of that sunset”
And you say
“It makes me think of mesothelioma”
And he says,
“I’m so sorry who did you lose?”
Marry him.
Does that answer your question?
Dear Chad,
My wife and I have been married for four years now, and are preparing to conceive our first child. However we’ve begun having serious disagreements that we didn’t discuss or even anticipate earlier in our relationship. For instance, I want our child, regardless of their gender, to be named “Fritz,” after my all-time favorite film director Fritz Lang. Similarly, it’s also very important to me that the decor of our child’s nursery be primarily influenced by the German Expressionists of the early 20th Century. On the other hand, my wife insists upon a more Bauhaus-influenced nursery, and is adamant that our child be an amphibious kleptomaniac named Carlos William Carloses. Is there any way for us out of this troubling impasse?
Buford W in St Louis, MO
Buford, A lot of things in this life are terrifying and unpredictable. Like having a child. So, I say, live in the moment. Get specific about how you go about conceiving the child. Live out the fantasies. Maybe one of you is into pretending to be a pony. Learn as much about each other as you can. Be as honest as you can be before y’all get knocked up. You will learn to compromise. You may even find that the times you seemed immovable about names and occupations for your child, somehow seem silly. So instead, you fuck because it is fun and wait.
Dear Chad,
I am a staunch pacifist, and am strongly against harming or infringing upon the basic rights of any living creature if not done in immediate self-defense. Lately my apartment has become infested with hundreds of spiders, and while none of them have bitten me or attacked me in any way, their presence has become significantly inconvenient, and I feel like it’s time to evacuate these critters & clear out their numerous webs from my home. How do I do that without making the spiders resent me and/or eventually take revenge upon me while I sleep?
Tanya P in Charlotte, NC
Hey T,
Spiders are wily bastards. Too many legs. It makes them arrogant. That said, they also are dream catchers, but instead of catching nightmares, they catch and keep other bugs.
So that’s free labor.
If you can’t sleep, for you fear their unnecessary amount of legs, etc:
Kill all or move.
Dear Chad,
There’s this guy I work with who’s very sweet, a little slow– let’s say somewhere between Forrest Gump and Lennie from “Of Mice and Men”– and extremely talkative. He and I usually eat our lunch in the break room at the same time, and while I prefer more solitary activities during my free hour, like reading or solving crossword puzzles, my co-worker constantly tries to engage me in drawn-out small-talk about the weather and local supermarkets. What would you suggest is the most polite and least confrontational way I can get him fired so I don’t have to deal with him anymore?
Andrea J in New Braunfels, TX
Hey
Hey – HEY! Kid.
Look at me.
If they fire somebody one day,
Who is to say they won’t get a taste for it?
Everyone gets Their rewards
Eventually.
It’s a waiting game.
#shawshankredemption
Your fellow player,
Chad Vice
Dear Chad,
I have this overwhelming desire to run through the streets of Times Square smacking people on the backs of their skulls with some kind of Nerf-style bat. Not hard enough to cause any fractures or concussions or any serious injuries, but just hard enough to, say, make them think twice about walking super-slowly in the middle of crowded sidewalks with music blasting in their ear-buds and their stupid faces glued to their smartphones and apparently no fucks given about their fellow pedestrians. If I did succumb to this desire, I would fully cooperate with police upon my apprehension, and serve whatever sentence the state deemed just, because I think it would be totally worth it. Is this ethical?
Victor C in New York, NY
IFEELTHAT
Victory,
Seek victor C.
What you do they just
Can’t see.
With out a telescope or something.
You could contribute to that mess.
But what they do There.
As loud as they can in places,
Like times squared
YOU
You do in the st(f)ar(t)s
{ X }
CHAD VICE first identified with Play-Doh. He is a nut in a nutcrackers world. He prefers bold musical choices and sitting all the way through movies’ credits. He is here to hear you. He has studied under Merlin and your Mom.
Do you need some advice from Chad Vice? Email your questions & quandaries to FLAPPERHOUSE at gmail dot com, then pray to Athena and blow a kiss to the cosmos…
FLAPPERHOUSE 