In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present this month’s Halloweenish installment of Chad Vice‘s advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.” 

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Dear Chad,

I am 25 years old, 98% Caucasian, and gender-fluid, equally comfortable presenting masculine as feminine (or somewhere between). I’ve been invited to 3 separate Halloween parties this year, and I want to wear a different costume to each party. I have a decent amount of disposable income & time to spend on constructing / acquiring these costumes, but am having trouble thinking of what they should be. What are some cool costumes I could wear that won’t resort to disrespectful cultural appropriation, and would be cleverly topical without being obvious & trite?

Alyx A in Minneapolis, MN

 

Hey Alyx,

Right off that bat? Toaster. I don’t know the design or how you would construct it, but go as a toaster. If it were me, I would go as a toaster and then spend the whole party cornering people and telling them (with deathly seriousness) that I was a toaster.

1. (I decided to make this a list after the fact)

2. Put on anything you have always wanted to and never dared to and go show the public. Wear a disco ball on your head, oversized sunglasses, a kilt, a belly shirt that says “tequila mockingbird”, and tape your BFA to you back. Or you know, whatever that is for you. If someone asks you what you are, you say: “I am beautiful!” And try not to burn them to death, because really (like really really) you are a Phoenix.
3. A witch because always.
4. Carrie.

 

666. (I skipped some) the devil (with a buttplug in); he’s filthy.

 

5. Helena Bonham Carter’s character in Oceans’ 8.
   9. Your dad.
   What will I be on Halloween, you ask? Honest.

Yours,
Chad

Dear Chad, 

I need some Chad Vice. As it is October, I am getting into the Halloween spirit and watching horror movies, consuming candy, and watching horror movies stoned with more candy. 

What scares me most: the world will end by 2040 like the NYT says. 

Save me from this climate change nightmare, Chad!

Yours,
Jenny Blue from Kenny Red 

Hi Jenny,

Go out and vote. Vote for an end to bad horror (Mitch McConnell) and vote for the blue wave! Before a tsunami comes!

Registered and prepared,
Chad.

 

Dear Chad,

I’m a single woman living in an apartment that’s haunted by the ghost of Emily Dickinson. I’m not sure why she haunts my particular apartment, since as far as I know she never lived in it or even set foot in my town. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. The point is, she just kind of hangs around in my bathroom all day and night, which means she’s present whenever someone’s in there bathing or relieving themselves, although she’s only visible to people who have the ability, like me and Haley Joel Osment. Every time I’ve told a friend or prospective lover about this, they’ve consequently distanced themselves from me and avoided returning to my home. Am I obligated to continue telling my guests about the ghost-Emily in my bathroom, or can this become like a “no harm, no foul” kinda thing?

Janet K in Cheyenne, WY 

Dear Janet,

This isn’t rape, where, if you see something and don’t say something, you help the perp. This is just an ability that lets you chat with a dead, talented shut-in.

If you two had a podcast, I would listen every week. I would LIVE to hear Emily Dickinson talk about shampoo.

What was your question?

Chad.

 

Dear Chad, 

I recently moved into a new house. I am in love with this house. It has a breakfast nook. 

Okay? 

But shortly after achieving my dream that is this house, I started hearing meowing. All the time. I don’t have a cat. And I hear it everywhere. In the attic, in the linen closet, IN MY BREAKFAST NOOK. Recently, I heard a meow right next to me, when I was IN THE SHOWER. 

Am I going crazy? What did I do? 

Melanie from Griffith Parks, CA 

 

Melanie,

You are being haunted by a dead cat or cats.

As far as I have learned you have three ways of dealing with this fact.

1. (So into lists) put on a dog and pony show, maybe literally. Call in your mother, your cosmetologist, your shamans, your con man, your priest. Have them exorcise, and exfoliate, and exonerate, till the dead cat has had enough.

2. Listen to the cat. Find out why it is talking to you in the shower.

3. Accept the fact that your dream house has a breakfast nook and a ghost cat. How bad is it to  a cat meow? Is it worse than being allergic to a dead cat? Is it worse than being in the trenches of WW1?

You tell me,
Chad

 

Dear Chad,

I am an eons-old entity known as a Jrevm’lachkk, or what you humans might call a “demon.” My M.O. has always been perpetuating the worst kind of chaos, animosity, and suffering among your kind, and hot damn, have I been having a blast these past few years! I haven’t felt this alive since your so-called “medieval” times. In fact, I’m so proud of my work, I’m dying to come out to you petty, pathetic humans and announce that I’m the main reason you’re all so outraged & apoplectic every minute of every day. On the other hand, I worry that revealing myself will cause your species to set aside your differences amongst yourselves and unite in your hatred of me. What do you think, Chad? Do I deserve to let myself enjoy a little credit, or is my pride getting the best of me?

[Name Withheld]

Dear (as you are best known) Jrevm’lachkk,

(Violin music is heard playing)

Some in my “profession” would say this is unprofessional, but I would love to have sex with you.

If only to greet you in the morning. Furious and insistent that you eat my “breakfast” 

Again, what feels good to you? If you like to dance to music (or eternal destruction) do it like no one is watching!

Your close friend,

Chad Vice

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CHAD VICE first identified with Play-Doh.  He is a nut in a nutcrackers world. He prefers bold musical choices and sitting all the way through movies’ credits. He is here to hear you. He has studied under Merlin and your Mom.

Do you need some advice from Chad Vice? Email your questions & quandaries to FLAPPERHOUSE at gmail dot com, then pray to Athena and blow a kiss to the cosmos…