“A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice” – Vol. 5, February 2019

Neighbourly Advice – Leonora Carrington, 1947

In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present another installment of Chad Vice‘s advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.” 

{ X }

Dear Chad,
I just got a generous bonus of several thousand dollars at my job, and after donating some to charity, and putting some more in my savings account, I’m ready to treat myself to a present or two. What should I buy?

Karen A in Milwaukee, WI

Karen,

Peace of mind. First of all. Whatever that is. Feel free to think about it. A message? A meal at a great restaurant with your iguana?  A surgical procedure?

Two: something you have always wanted but felt too silly to buy. A salami farm. A cold pack. An understanding of why we feel fear.

Chad


Dear Chad,
Know where I can get some good weed in this town?

Francisco J in Jackson Heights, NY

Dear franny,

Inhale.

In your pocket.

Schatd.


Dear Chad,
The current political situation has inspired me to embark upon a career in politics. I’d love to run for City Council this fall on a platform promoting honesty, civility, and helping underprivileged & marginalized communities. Ideally, if I am successful, I’d eventually run for higher & higher offices so I can effect as much positive change as is within my power. The problem is, I’m a white person who, when I was in high school over 20 years ago, would often memorize my favorite routines from “Def Comedy Jam” and recite them, verbatim, for friends at school while doing exaggerated impressions of the comedians who originally performed them. As far as I know there’s no audio-visual evidence of this, but still, does this disqualify me for holding public office now? And if not, do I at least have an ethical obligation to disclose this part of my past to my potential constituents? 

Alan X in Oakland, CA

Jesus Alex.

You’ve thought about it. Listen;

Listen.

Politician is a word we often say, but hardly agree upon. Define it.

There is a lot of us humans.

As I know it;

You must be a choir

Teacher.

Make us all

Vibrate

Better.

Love you,

Chad.


Dear Chad,
I recently discovered that behind one of the laundry machines in the basement of my apartment building, there’s a portal that allows me to temporarily inhabit the consciousness of Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials. You know like in the movie “Being John Malkovich”? Except with Progressive Flo. And I don’t mean the actress who plays her– I’m transported to a world where Progressive Flo is an actual person with a whole life outside the commercials, where she commutes to work, brushes her teeth, shops at the supermarket, goes to the post office, etc.  And just like the characters in the aforementioned film, I find it incredibly exhilarating to escape the monotony of my own existence by inhabiting someone else’s consciousness for a few minutes at a time, even if they’re simply doing the same ordinary kinds of things most of us do everyday. 

So my two questions to you are: 1) Am I obligated to tell my superintendent about the Flo-portal? As far as I can tell, no one else in my building knows about it, and I want to keep it that way if possible; I dread the idea of going down to get my Flo-fix and having to wait on a line. And 2) If it turns out, as with John Cusack’s character in the Malkovich film, that I am eventually able to take control of Flo with my own will and remain in her vessel indefinitely, is that cool? If we were talking about a real person, obviously I wouldn’t consider such a thing, but how much agency does a fictional character truly have?

Mandy F in Dover, DE

Mandy,

Please recycle.

Herbert.

Nope.

Sorry,

Chad

{ X }

CHAD VICE first identified with Play-Doh.  He is a nut in a nutcrackers world. He prefers bold musical choices and sitting all the way through movies’ credits. He is here to hear you. He has studied under Merlin and your Mom.

Do you need some advice from Chad Vice? Email your questions & quandaries to FLAPPERHOUSE at gmail dot com, then pray to Athena and blow a kiss to the cosmos…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s