“A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice” – Vol. 4, January 2019

Neighbourly Advice – Leonora Carrington, 1947

In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present another installment of Chad Vice‘s advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.” 

{ X }

Dear Chad,
I  am constantly misplacing things. My book, my iPhone, my iPad, my keys. Any advice on how I can put an end to all this misplacement? Also, have you seen my glasses?
Pam B in Harwich, MA
Hola Pam,
Your glasses are on your head.
Why not have a designated place for each of these items? You can make it a point that whenever these items are not in use, you always put them in their place. A place for everything and everything in its place as they say. Perhaps, once you have these things sorted in their places and the habit is established, you will find other things you usually misplace. Like emotions, or blame.
Always yours,
Chad

Dear Chad,

I need a New Years resolution. What should it be? 
Dennis from Dennis, MA 
Hi Dennis.
Learn a new language. They have great apps for it. And I do not mean appetizers. Although learning a new language could teach you how to order new and foreign apps. This time I do mean the first course at a meal.
I think learning a language is a great way to broaden our understanding and the world and ourselves, and also how to figure out what that lady is screaming about in the corner of this Starbucks.
Au revoir,
Chad


Chad! 

I was bitten by a snake! Help! 
Maryanne from the prairie 
Maryanne!
Hang up this email and get yourself to a hospital!
My thoughts are with you!
Chad
PS wait, was this a venomous snake? Either way, consult a medical professional. Just do it a lot faster if the snake was venomous.

 

Dear Chad,
I never watched much TV until a couple months ago, when I fell into a severe depression. Then I started watching “Game of Thrones” and “The Great British Baking Show,” alternating between episodes of the two series until I’d seen them all. I’m still severely depressed, though, and need more things to watch. Which programs should I “binge” on next?
 
Lucille M in Honolulu, HI
 
Lucy,
Go back to what you knew before TV.
Nature. Colors. Smells.
Things with gross textures.
Unnatural.
Like fucking polyester.
Watch the sunrise,
A tad of chad.

 

  
Dear Chad,
 
Recently, through a genetic testing company & an ancestry website, I discovered that I’m a direct descendant of Attila the Hun. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose this information to my boyfriend, my employer, and/or my twitter followers?
 
Max W in Boise, ID
 
Max,
I don’t think so?
Otherwise I think people
Will be sued for
Puberty soon.
Chad.

 
Dear Chad, 
A few years ago, as an anniversary present, my wife bought us tickets to “Hamilton,” back when Lin-Manuel Miranda and the rest of the original cast was still in it. She spent over $1000 of her hard-earned money, and says she had one of the most amazing experiences of her life, theatrical or otherwise. To this day, she talks about it often when we’re out with friends, all of whom agree with her on how wonderful “Hamilton” is, and how lucky I was to receive such a gift from her. But I can’t keep this secret any longer: I thought “Hamilton” was fine. I love quite a few musicals, and I think there was a lot of talent involved in “Hamilton,” and I certainly appreciated the progressive ambitions of the show; as entertainment, however, I found it just OK. Like a B-minus, tops. But so far I’ve always said I thought it was this incredible artistic achievement, lest I hurt my wife’s feelings, or lead our friends to assume I’m ungrateful and racist. Must I go to my grave continuing to pretend that I thought “Hamilton” was the best thing that ever happened in America?
 
Percy J in Bridgeport, CT
 
Percy,
I think quiet unpopular opinions are like buds in shit. They can eventually bloom into glory.
I think this time will tell us a lot about this time In the future.
I prefer
Cultural phenomena to be
Like bonfires
Enormous,
But simpatico
Chad.

Dear Chad,

What is still real anymore? What is no longer real, that once was real? What is real now that was not real before?

Joe O in West Orange, NJ

Hey joe!
Short answer: papa smurf

Long answer: The cascading waterfall of sensation and perception that is the human experience in this galaxy and on this planet is something to which we must hold and tightly and let go lightly. All the time. Everyday. Especially on the toilet and at family events. To quote the great orator Homer: relax! What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

{ X }

CHAD VICE first identified with Play-Doh.  He is a nut in a nutcrackers world. He prefers bold musical choices and sitting all the way through movies’ credits. He is here to hear you. He has studied under Merlin and your Mom.

Do you need some advice from Chad Vice? Email your questions & quandaries to FLAPPERHOUSE at gmail dot com, then pray to Athena and blow a kiss to the cosmos…

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