“A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice” – Vol. 2, September 2018

Neighbourly Advice – Leonora Carrington, 1947

In these bewildering, tumultuous, often terrifying times, we all could use some extra helpings of unbiased guidance and compassion. With that in mind, we present the second installment of our new contributor Chad Vice‘s monthly advice column, “A Tad of Advice with Chad Vice.” 

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Dear Chad Vice, 
How do you deal with success? I feel like if I want to succeed in any significant way, I have to make sacrifices elsewhere. Sacrifices that, over time, seem to take away from my initial (financial) experience of success. I don’t see my family or friends as much. I’m saving for the future, but I suffer from fomo. 
Yours,
Mick A. Rust 

Hi Icarus

Success is a slippery word. It could mean making it rain in this day and age, it could mean slaughtering infidels like pigs during the crusades. 

What makes you feel good? 
Flying high, on your own, sure.  But also family. If you feel like you have leaned into one more than the other, valence it out. 

But remember, nothing is eternal. 
Even,
Chad


Dear Chad,
I was born with certain superhuman abilities, kind of like the Precogs in “Minority Report,” but instead of having psychic visions of crimes that will occur in the future, I am able to predict, with my sense of smell, who in my vicinity is about to pass gas. Usually I don’t identify the flatulent culprits publicly– but should I? Do my powers carry any ethical responsibilities?
Percy R in Phoenix, AZ

Dear percy(us) 


That is a complicated gift. Don’t let it make you feel isolated. 

I think you have to learn to trust yourself. You have this gift for a reason. 

If sweet Sharon from accounting is about to break wind, maybe give her a break? She’s so sweet. She bakes cookies! 

But if you know big Don is about to cheese spray all over the white walls and you know he won’t feel remorse for it, you finger him like a confident witness in a murder trial. 
Chad.

Dear Chad,
In 2011, I got a tattoo on the side of my neck of Louis CK’s face, and for nearly a year now I’ve been covering it up with silk scarves and/or feather boas. Will my tattoo ever be cool again, or should I just go ahead and get it removed? Or maybe altered to look more like a less controversial celebrity, such as “Throw Momma from the Train” star Anne Ramsey?
Aleesha Y in Miami, FL

Dearest Aleesha, 

You cannot go wrong with Anne Ramsey. Just watch the classic horror film deadly friend. She is always an ace.

That said, it’s sad but, Louis’s biggest joke is on himself. You can’t stand up on film and speak insightfully of (among other things) the danger men pose to women and then get away with sexual misconduct. It cheapens all your future “insights”. 
I don’t know what you have to do, maybe ask a woman who inexplicably stopped getting work in Hollywood, despite not abusing anyone. 
Fuck,
Chad. 

Dear Chad,
Like many Americans today, I’ve been experiencing a great deal of conflict with certain family members because of our country’s current political climate. Over the past few years, for instance, my daddy has turned from a fiscal conservative with moderately liberal social values, into what you might call an amoral neo-fascist. To make matters worse, he was recently elected into a very high-ranking government position. At times I’ve tried to reason with him and temper his alarming behavior, but he always responds by saying things like, “You’re a lot less pretty when you criticize me, and it makes me not love you anymore.” While I’ve been able to channel my frustrations in a few productive ways, such as publishing anonymous op-eds about him in the New York Times, I still feel like I’m flying full-speed ahead toward a psychotic breakdown if I can’t resolve all this inner turmoil. Help me, Chad! How can I properly atone for being such a bad girl, while ensuring that my daddy will never ever stop loving me?
Ivanka T in Washington, DC

Wow. 


Vankie. That’s a lot. 

I’ve been waiting for your email. Do you remember that night we watched Showgirls, ate cheese fries, and finger banged each other? #magicjohnson 

Where you are has worried me. Emotionally. Politically. Geographically. You are being honest. 

Like when you beat me, 
One on one. 

But also:
I mean, with yourself boo. 

That was a great basketball game. We both dunked! 😉 

There is something wrong with your sense of security. 

Dear Chad,
Breakfast isn’t just the most important  meal of my day, it’s the most important PART of my LIFE. Problem is, I’m so bored with all the classic cereals. Raisin Bran? More like Raisin BLAND! Cheerios? More like Cheeri-NOs! Count Chocula? More like LAME Chocula! You catch my drift, right? So what are some exciting new under-the-radar, not-your-grandma’s breakfast cereals I should be eating?
Trayvis D in Portland, OR

Trayvis, 

When was the last time you watched the sunrise? And I mean not in the: “I am gonna write a song on my guitar and watch the sun rise to get pussy” kind of watch the sunrise from college? 

1) Fast for a day. 
2) Go to every religious event you can in that time
3) Break fast in the morning 
4) Record your FEELINGS! 
5) eat a bagel 
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CHAD VICE first identified with Play-Doh.  He is a nut in a nutcrackers world. He prefers bold musical choices and sitting all the way through movies’ credits. He is here to hear you. He has studied under Merlin and your Mom.

Do you need some advice from Chad Vice? Email your questions & quandaries to FLAPPERHOUSE at gmail dot com, then pray to Athena and blow a kiss to the cosmos…

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