Monthly Archives: November 2013

Always Keep A Flapper In The Family

Flappricana, ,
art by Milo Winter, 1912
art by Milo Winter, 1912

Long before Flappers became famous as the wild-dancing, booze-drinking, convention-flouting young women of the Roaring ’20s, Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels told us about the Flappers of Laputa, the valuable servants who made sure their masters weren’t completely oblivious to life’s more important matters:

I observed, here and there, many in the habit of servants, with a blown bladder, fastened like a flail to the end of a stick, which they carried in their hands.  In each bladder was a small quantity of dried peas, or little pebbles, as I was afterwards informed.  With these bladders, they now and then flapped the mouths and ears of those who stood near them, of which practice I could not then conceive the meaning.  It seems the minds of these people are so taken up with intense speculations, that they neither can speak, nor attend to the discourses of others, without being roused by some external taction upon the organs of speech and hearing; for which reason, those persons who are able to afford it always keep a flapper in their family, as one of their domestics; nor ever walk abroad, or make visits, without him.  And the business of this officer is, when two, three, or more persons are in company, gently to strike with his bladder the mouth of him who is to speak, and the right ear of him or them to whom the speaker addresses himself.  This flapper is likewise employed diligently to attend his master in his walks, and upon occasion to give him a soft flap on his eyes; because he is always so wrapped up in cogitation, that he is in manifest danger of falling down every precipice, and bouncing his head against every post; and in the streets, of justling others, or being justled himself into the kennel.

Interview With The FLAPPERHOUSE

Flappertising, Flappricana, Interviews, ,

RroseSelavyInterviewer: FLAPPERHOUSE has described itself as “Dragging the future back through the past, like a rotting donkey on a grand piano.”

FLAPPERHOUSE: Chien! Andalusia! We are un!

Interviewer: Precisely. And by “the past,” more specifically you mean circa the 1920’s?

FLAPPERHOUSE: Yes and no. Mostly yes. We do think the future should have much more futurism. But with much less fascism. We’d also like to see more surrealism, expressionism, dadaism, psychological horror, and, of course, modernism.

Interviewer: Post-modernism?

FLAPPERHOUSE: Is punk rock post-modern?

Interviewer: Is that a rhetorical question?

FLAPPERHOUSE: It wasn’t meant to be, but we’ll answer it anyway. Punk rock is kind of post-modern, right?

Interviewer: …

FLAPPERHOUSE: Right. So we want to see post-modernism as long as it’s punk rock.

Interviewer: Punk rock is more of a 1970’s thing.

FLAPPERHOUSE: Technically, yes. But the 20’s were punk rock too.

Interviewer: I see. So who are some of the writers in the FLAPPERHOUSE family?

FLAPPERHOUSE:  They’re writers you should know, but probably don’t yet. They’re very good.

Interviewer: Like George Saunders?

FLAPPERHOUSE: Yes, like George Saunders, if you didn’t know him yet. We don’t have George Saunders though. We do have Todd Pate. He calls himself a “hobo journalist.” A real American vagabond. Like a 21st-Century Kerouac, only sober.

Interviewer: Kerouac was more of a 50’s guy than a 20’s guy.

FLAPPERHOUSE: Yes but he was born in the ’20s.

Interviewer: Touché.

FLAPPERHOUSE: In our Spring 2014 issue we’re gonna publish a story Todd wrote called “The Better Cowboy,” a mix of American mythology and psych-horror. A sexy, bad-ass, bastard spawn of Cormac McCarthy & HP Lovecraft. Once we’re done editing it we’ll run an enticing excerpt on our website.

Interviewer: My blood’s tingling already. Who else you got?

FLAPPERHOUSE: Jeff Laughlin. He’s a writer and musician living in Greensboro, North Carolina. Writes for YES! Weekly, Creative Loafing Charlotte, and The Awl.

Interviewer: I know The Awl!

FLAPPERHOUSE: Jeff wrote their obituaries for Leslie Nielsen and David Markson, among other things.

Interviewer: I remember those obituaries! Two of the best obituaries I ever read.

FLAPPERHOUSE: Damn right they were. Well, Jeff’s also a fantastic poet, and our Spring ’14 issue will feature work from his collection Alcoholics Are Sick People. It’s a dark yet tender exploration of the forces that drive us to drink. It’s also kinda funny sometimes.

Interviewer: Sounds poignant.

FLAPPERHOUSE: It is. Touching, even.

Interviewer: Indeed. Any more FLAPPERHOUSE writers you can tell us about?

FLAPPERHOUSE: We’ve heard rumors that we may publish a brand new tale by Cameron Suey, a rising star in horror and dark fantasy fiction.

Interviewer: Rising where?

FLAPPERHOUSE: All over. In the past couple years his stories have appeared in Pseudopod, No Monsters Allowed, Mad Scientist Journal, and in anthologies published by Hazardous Press and Cruentus Libri.

Interviewer: My, how prolific.

FLAPPERHOUSE: Dude’s like the next Stephen King, but with much tighter prose.

Interviewer: And that’s all?

FLAPPERHOUSE: What do you mean, “That’s all?” That was intended as very high praise.

Interviewer: I meant, is that all the writers you can tell us about for now?

FLAPPERHOUSE: Oh yes, that’s correct.

Interviewer: You know for a magazine called FLAPPERHOUSE you don’t seem to have a lot of women on board. Or any.

FLAPPERHOUSE: Yeah we know. We’re working on it.

All Tongues Her Prowess Herald

Flappricana,

Dorothy Parker’s poem “The Flapper” has sometimes been referred to as “Flappers: A Hate Song,” although we at FLAPPERHOUSE like to tell ourselves that Ms. Parker, whom we think was the greatest, had more of a love-hate thing for Flappers, especially since she was awfully flappy herself.

GhoulieDottieThe Playful flapper here we see,
The fairest of the fair.
She’s not what Grandma used to be, —
You might say, au contraire.
Her girlish ways may make a stir,
Her manners cause a scene,
But there is no more harm in her
Than in a submarine.

She nightly knocks for many a goal
The usual dancing men.
Her speed is great, but her control
Is something else again.
All spotlights focus on her pranks.
All tongues her prowess herald.
For which she well may render thanks
To God and Scott Fitzgerald.

Her golden rule is plain enough –
Just get them young and treat them
Rough.

Definition of a FLAPPER

Flappricana

FlapperhouseFallAt the request of our readers, we are herewith presenting our “definition of a Flapper”:

She’s independent, full of grace,

a pleasing form, a pretty FRONTAL LOBE;

is often saucy, also pert,

and doesn’t think it wrong to JAZZERCISE;

knows what she wants, and gets it too,

receives the homage that’s her MONGOOSE;

her love is warm, her hate is deep,

for she can laugh, and she can YODEL;

but she is true as true can be,

her will’s unchained, her soul is NON-REFUNDABLE;

she charms the young, she jars the old,

within her beats a heart of MACAROONS;

she furnishes the spice of life–

and makes some boob a darn good TELESCOPE!

The FLAPPERHOUSE Bug Test

Flappricana

MetamorphosisAccording to Factual Science Magazine, bugs outnumber other types of animals on planet Earth by a ratio of 842,738 to 1. And yet if you see a movie or read a book with animal characters in it, chances are the story’s about adorable mammals, or wacky fish, or wise-cracking birds. If the story does happen to involve bugs, they’re probably portrayed as disgusting villains.

So in the interest of species equality, we have devised the FLAPPERHOUSE Bug Test, which asks: In any story involving animalian characters, are there multiple insectoid or arachnid characters? And if so, do these bugs do more than just ooze slime everywhere and otherwise terrify the non-bug characters?

In our preliminary research, we have discovered very few stories that ace the Bug Test; this short list includes Aesop’s “The Ant and the Grasshopper,” the 1996 MTV-produced film Joe’s Apartment, the Jerry Seinfeld vehicle Bee Movie, and the three films from 1998’s Cartoon Bug Craze (Pixar’s A Bug’s Life, Dreamworks’ Antz, and 20th Century Fox’s Buggin’ Out!!!). Regrettably, far more stories do not pass the Bug Test, including renowned works such as The Metamorphosis, Starship Troopers, The Fly, Charlotte’s Web, Babe: Pig In The City, and The Adventures Of Milo and Otis, to name but a few.

Henceforth, we will apply the FLAPPERHOUSE Bug Test to all works submitted to us for publication. Although we will continue to publish works which fail the Bug Test, we will limit such stories to two (2) per issue; after we hit that limit, we will only publish animal-based stories if they portray our spindly-legged friends in a respectful manner.

What We’ll Be Looking For, Once We’re Ready To Look For It

Flappertising, Flappricana

SunHeadWrestlerFLAPPERHOUSE does not want unsolicited submissions right now. We are, however, still currently open to pre-elicited transmissions.

We’ll probably change our mind someday. After all, as the brilliant M. Wolfram Powell famously said: “To change one’s mind is to embark upon a journey into what must be; never to change one’s mind is to fly upon the back of a cranky pterodactyl.”

When we want unsolicited submissions we’ll want stories that are relatively short, ideal for subway & bathroom reading. We’re primarily interested in the genres of Psycho-Mythology, Biographical Mystery, Historical Rebus, Quantum Leap Fan Fiction*, Dystopian Southern Gothic Young Adult, Erotic Political Satire, and Culinary Espionage.

* Remember, FLAPPERHOUSE will be published once per Earth season, so avoid making any Quantum Leap Fan Fiction too “current-eventy.”

6 Amazing Fall-Back Hour Hacks

Flappricana,

La_lunaire_de_Tour_horlogeThe Fall-Back Hour is one of the most magical hours in the entire 4th dimension, and yet so many people seem to sleep right through it. If you’re still awake when we repeat 1 – 1:59 AM at the end of Daylight Savings Time, look at all the amazing things you can do and see!

source: Factual Science, Volume 9, Issue 23

1. If you perform a  palindromic act during the Fall-Back Hour– for example, writing in pencil for 30 minutes, then spending the next 30 minutes erasing everything you just wrote, moving backward from the end–  you will open a wormhole that leads to a Möbius Strip Museum.

2. If you fall asleep during the Fall-Back Hour, you will dream you’re in a labyrinth filled with flying jellyfish.

3. All TV broadcasts aired live during the Fall-Back Hour will appear on DVR recordings as old PM Dawn videos.

4. Analog timepieces cannot melt during the Fall-Back Hour, no matter how long you burn them.

5. If you get 2 copies of The Flaming Lips’ ZAIREEKA and play all 8 discs simultaneously during Fall-Back Hour, you’ll create a 4.3-magnitude Timequake.

6. If, during Fall-Back Hour, you stand between two mirrors that are facing each other and you don’t look into them, the ghost of a pineapple farmer will tell you a joke about fleas.

Welcome To The FLAPPERHOUSE

Flappertising, Flappricana, , , , , , , , ,

Drum Tissue Outburst? Throbbing Dust Generation!

Dorothy Parker, Jorge Luis Borges, and HP Lovecraft walk into a speakeasy. Louis Armstrong sings “St. James Infirmary Blues” over a rusty phonograph. Behind the bar, Salvador Dalí pours absinthe into a hubcap full of peanut butter and raw macaroni, and he stirs the mixture with the antler of a live moose.

“Four martinis, Sally,” says Parker. “Plus whatever the boys want.”

Borges excuses himself to the basement in search of the restroom. He must’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere because before long he’s lost himself in an infinite labyrinth full of shelves with mirror-spined books. He starts to imagine what stories these books contain, and how he might review them.

Back upstairs, Josephine Baker dances in sensual ecstasy on Fritz Lang’s table while he peeks at her sideways through his monocle and pretends he’s not aroused. René Magritte paints himself painting them both through a castle’s window. Apples hover before their faces.

The ghost of Franz Kafka’s in a corner, leaning sharply against the wall.  Lovecraft spots him and approaches, timid yet determined, as if helpless to confront his most horrifying fear. ”What’s it like?” Lovecraft asks, referring to death. Kafka’s ghost replies only with facial expressions: First with what seems like laughter, then a grimace like he might cry instead, and finally he shakes his head to say no, I really shouldn’t tell you, no. Lovecraft sits and stares at the floor for a while.

“We are neither living nor dead!” shouts TS Eliot, raising a glass of gin. “And we know nothing, looking into the heart of light, the silence!“

Parker’s sipping her second drink when she finally notices the ants crawling from the stem of her martini glass and onto her hand. Fucking Dalí, she thinks, as she swats and squashes as many bugs as she can. Kafka’s ghost can hear their screams.

She holds her cameraphone in front of her face: bemused, rankled, heartsick, yet almost drunk enough to be tickled by it all. Once she’s got enough good madness framed in the background, she sips, clicks a picture, and posts it to Instagram, caption, “Just another night at the Flapperhouse… #thirsty”