According to Factual Science Magazine, bugs outnumber other types of animals on planet Earth by a ratio of 842,738 to 1. And yet if you see a movie or read a book with animal characters in it, chances are the story’s about adorable mammals, or wacky fish, or wise-cracking birds. If the story does happen to involve bugs, they’re probably portrayed as disgusting villains.

So in the interest of species equality, we have devised the FLAPPERHOUSE Bug Test, which asks: In any story involving animalian characters, are there multiple insectoid or arachnid characters? And if so, do these bugs do more than just ooze slime everywhere and otherwise terrify the non-bug characters?

In our preliminary research, we have discovered very few stories that ace the Bug Test; this short list includes Aesop’s “The Ant and the Grasshopper,” the 1996 MTV-produced film Joe’s Apartment, the Jerry Seinfeld vehicle Bee Movie, and the three films from 1998’s Cartoon Bug Craze (Pixar’s A Bug’s Life, Dreamworks’ Antz, and 20th Century Fox’s Buggin’ Out!!!). Regrettably, far more stories do not pass the Bug Test, including renowned works such as The Metamorphosis, Starship Troopers, The Fly, Charlotte’s Web, Babe: Pig In The City, and The Adventures Of Milo and Otis, to name but a few.

Henceforth, we will apply the FLAPPERHOUSE Bug Test to all works submitted to us for publication. Although we will continue to publish works which fail the Bug Test, we will limit such stories to two (2) per issue; after we hit that limit, we will only publish animal-based stories if they portray our spindly-legged friends in a respectful manner.