Television’s #1 literary-based quasi-documentary competition program rings in 2015 tonight at 9PM on The Network Channel! Here’s the table of contents for this week’s episode:

• Contestants’ chapters must be written while Michiko Kakutani walks around the writers’ room looking over everyone’s shoulders
• Marphaleene clashes with Jex over what the whale symbolizes in Free Willy
• Zong-Chae ironically says “I’m not here to make friends!” (Not “ironically” in a sarcastic, winking-at-reality-TV-cliches way, but rather in the verbally ironic sense that deep down, Zong-Chae is extremely lonely, and is in fact here to make friends, but is too ashamed to admit it, and is only saying she’s not here to make friends because she frequently pushes potential friends away as a kind of preemptive defense mechanism.)
• Special Guest Judge Toni Morrison sneaks out after realizing she’s not on Iron Chef America