Tag Archives: Helpful Notes Regarding Your Purchase

Our 2016 Best of the Net Nominees Are…

The Skating Minister - Henry Raeburn, 1784
The Skating Minister – Henry Raeburn, 1784

Our nominations for the 2016 Best of the Net anthology, which honors literary work that originally appeared on the internet between 7/1/2015 & 6/30/2016, are:

“CREATURE  FEATURE : CALIGYNACHTMARE : DREAD  the  BEAUTY” – poetry by Shannon  Moore  Shepherd

“CHAPEL  of  SACRED  MIRRORS” – poetry  by  Joanna  C.  Valente

“The  WITCH  THESE  DAYS” – poetry  by  E. H.  Brogan

“HOW  to  be  a  SMALL  PRESS  SUCCESS” – poetry  by  Catfish  McDaris

“HELPFUL  NOTES  REGARDING  YOUR PURCHASE” – short  fiction  by  Brandon  Barrett

Congratulations & best of luck to all our nominees, as well as our eternal gratitude for contributing their amazing work to our weird little zine.

“Helpful Notes Regarding Your Purchase” – Fiction by Brandon Barrett

By David Shankbone from USA [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Cavalier King Charles Spaniels by David Shankbone [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Should you dare to sample a sneak-peek of the extraordinary weirdness that awaits in FLAPPERHOUSE X, our Summer 2016 issue, please help yourself to Brandon Barrett‘s flash fiction “Helpful Notes Regarding Your Purchase.” Our 10th issue officially flies on June 20 and is currently available for pre-order in print for $6 US, & in digital (PDF) edition for $3 US.

{ X }

  1. DEAR (REDACTED): Congratulations on your purchase!
  1. Please understand that once the device is activated, refunds are impossible. All of us here at (redacted) realize that you paid a considerable price–both monetarily and otherwise–and so please read all notes below prior to activation.
  1. Assembly is required. It shall be no easier but also no harder than it appears on first glance. We recommend setting aside 2-3 weeks of vacation to dedicate to this project, assuming productive 10-hour days. The time commitment may be less if you possess a strong background in the Classics and/or quantitative eschatology. More if this does not describe you.
  1. If you are currently employed in such capacity that vacation time of this sort is inconceivable or financially inviable, then educational retraining and vocational placement programs can be facilitated. Please call during regular business hours.
  1. The set of assembly manuals are shipped separately as the crate requires special handling by experienced movers.
  1. Take a deep breath. You are no doubt still apprehensive about the financial outlay that this purchase represented. Pause for a moment to appreciate the fine craftsmanship of the storage box, which is hand-carved from a single large piece of lignum vitae. They used to make turbine bearings for hydroelectric plants out of this stuff.
  1. The device itself will have no worth after activation (see #2 above) and in fact will have lost all structural integrity. This is the “brown goo” stage of the device’s lifespan and it marks the end of your time together.

Continue reading “Helpful Notes Regarding Your Purchase” – Fiction by Brandon Barrett